“Intimacy is not designed or encouraged for the achievement of personal happiness; rather it is for the fulfillment of one’s life purpose, for the enrichment of the village, and for the expression of spirit.  It is a means of offering the gifts we carry.”

-Foreword, The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships

I believe a great injustice that my people experience is the feelings of lovelessness and lack of intimacy.

There is a surge of Black matchmakers and speakers telling Black people how to find a mate.  Most of the advice is doubling down on norms and characteristics of white supremacy and capitalism.

I ventured to explore what ancient African indigenous wisdom has to say about relationships and intimacy.

Our ancestor, Sobonfu Somé, shares her teachings and experience as a member of the Dagara people in Burkina Faso which means “the land of the proud ancestors.”

The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships

Is my first book report.   The summary and shared language are all that resonated and pointed out to me.  If this sparks your curiosity:

• Buy the book from a Black owned bookstore.  Check out Mahogany Books.
• Please share with your community.
• Follow me for upcoming book reports.  Next month features The Salt Eaters

#community #blacklove #intimacy #spirit #ritual #marriage #racialjustice

Book Report

The Spirit of Intimacy: Ancient African Teachings in the Ways of Relationships

By  Sobonfu Somé

“Intimacy in general terms is a song of spirit inviting two people to come and share their spirits together?”

Intimacy requires a grounding in spirit and community.

Spirit is everywhere.  Spirit can be found in everything.  For humans, spirit has taken a human form to carry out a purpose.  Spirit is vital for connection and helps us see beyond the physical parameter.  It helps in ritual and connecting with ancestors. 

Spirit is the driver of our relationships.  When there is separation from spirit, there is an emphasis on romantic love.  This focuses on the physical.  It does not center on the purpose of coming together.  

Connecting with ancestors is essential in feeding our spirits.  Ancestors act as guides and supporters.  Ancestors are not limited to your direct familial lines or humans.

“Community is the spirit, the guiding light of the tribe, whereby people come together in order to fulfill a specific purpose, to help others fulfill their purpose, and to take care of one another.” 

Community is vital.  It is the holder of a purposeful gathering to help others fulfill their purpose and to take care of one another.  It is the place where the spirit of each person can contribute their gifts.  If gifts are not provided, the community dies.   And if the community dies, the individual is left without a place to contribute.  It is an ongoing cycle of reciprocity.

Due to the spirit and community dynamic, relationships are seen as an extension of fulfilling purpose.  The community takes ownership of any relationship.  A relationship becomes a community endeavor and it is not a private matter.  

When there is no trusted community involved in the relationship, all of our intimate expectations are focused on your partner.  This is unrealistic and too hard for any one relationship.  We must be open to other people to make our relationships work.

“A ritual is a ceremony in which we call in spirit to come and be the driver, the overseer of our activities.”

Rituals are vital in relationships to keep peace and strengthen communication.  A ritual is a ceremony in which we call in spirit and be the driver, the overseer of our activities.   Each ritual must have a purpose and clearly state intention.  It must be used to resolve.

The recognition of yourself as a spirit in a human body and others as spirits aids in understanding of our bodies as sacred.  Sexuality becomes greater than just a means of pleasure but a sacred act.  The pathway to healthy intimacy is to recognize the divine in everything.  The Dagara people do not have a name for “sex”.  However, it is described as going on a journey beyond what you can do on your own.  It is rooted in spiritual connection to move towards purpose.  

“When people recognize that they are spirit in a human body and that other people are spirits, they begin to understand that our bodies are sacred and that sexuality is far more than a means of pleasure; it is a sacred act.”

Healthy conversations about sexuality in the western world produce shame.  Conversations need to explore sex and intimacy and the difference.  A person having a lot of sex may be seeking intimacy.  But this person will not find it because spirit is not centered in the act to create intimacy.  As a result, feelings of shame and self-doubt may linger.

“…trouble becomes sacred when voiced.”

Relationships must be in the constant practice of truth and reconciliation rituals.  Conflict is seen as a welcome gift to help us move forward, gain knowledge of ourselves, and learn new situations for using our gifts.  Ritual is important to help each person tell the truth, see resolution and find closure.  Without periodic rituals, the relationship can become toxic.

“In sacred matters such as relationships, how free are we when we cannot build the kind of relationship we want?  How free when we cannot belong to what we want to belong to?”

A relationship is enhanced by constant compromise, letting go and healing.  Relationships need community support to do this.  For the Dagara people, relationships have to thrive for the village to benefit from its gifts, and so the whole village takes it personally when the relationship is suffering. 

Divorce is a foreign concept in the Dagara village.   In the West, the absence of community support can contribute to divorce.  

Shared Language

Community

The spirit, the guiding light of the tribe whereby people come together in order to fulfill a specific purpose, to help others fulfill their purpose, and to take care of one another.

Conflict

Grows out of challenges that are presented by spirit;  gift, meant to help us move forward; a wake-up call sent by spirit to remind us of the purpose we are here to fulfill.

Intimacy

A song of spirit inviting two people to come and share their spirit together.

Marriage

A way of taking the call of the spirit further.

Ritual

A ceremony in which we call in spirit to come and be the driver, the overseer of our activities.

Romantic Love

An attraction that cuts off spirit and community, leaving two people to invent relationship by themselves.

Spirit

Life force in everything